UNBELIEVABLE ADVICE
By Swami Beyondananda

Dear Swami:

Perhaps you can help me. After years of research--and thanks to my own hypnotic regression to infancy--I have come to believe quite strongly that circumcision is a painful, unnecessary trauma. But being of the Jewish faith myself and sensitive about offending anyone, I was hoping you might be able to help me capture my concern with a pithy little slogan that will get my point across.

Benny Fischel,
Great Neck, New York

Dear Benny:

I can see where you might feel you're missing the point. Maybe your slogan should be the one I saw on a bumper-sticker in a fun-damentalist part of Tel-Aviv: Moses Died For Your 'Skins.

Dear Swami:

I have heard through the grapevine that you've learned a simple mantra that is guaranteed to bring prosperity. In these times when the ancient esoteric teachings are coming to light, would you be willing to share these powerful words with your readers.

Eppie Graham
Lee's Summit, Missouri

Dear Eppie:

In these times of economic uncertainty, when people don't know where their next cup of cappuccino is coming from, I would be remiss if I did make the utterance available to the clamoring multitudes. I came upon it many years ago when I myself was going through my "baroque period." In fact I was so baroque I was Haydyn from the landlord.

I was living in Chicago at the same time, and it was there I met Swami Vitoananda, who happened to own a karmic debt collection on the South Side. For a small fee, he gave me a three-word mantra guaranteed to bring money: "Stick 'em up!" I sat in my room for weeks chanting these words, but to no avail. (This was literally true. Noah Vale was my upstairs neighbor, the only other human being to hear my chant.)

One morning, I looked in my cupboard and there was nothing left but Spam (a result of having become a Spamway distributor in a moment of weakness), and realized that the only place to go from here was Alpo and Tender Vittles. And at the moment of deepest desperation, a vision appeared to me, a delightful little man who can best be described as a Japanese leprechaun. He had Asian features and reddish hair, and he wore a bright green kimono. He bowed politely and danced a little jig. I must have looked puzzled by his appearance, because he told me that on his mother's side, he was descended from a great Irish crooner. His father was a famous Japanese home run hitter. Then he said, "I have come to bring ye good luck, pauper-san. You have only to walk into any house of God these days and shout my name loudly and joyfully--and riches will be yours." He told me his name, then vanished into the air. Not totally believing and yet wanting to, I ran to the nearest church to see if what he'd said was true. It was. And I have never wanted money since, thanks to Bing Oh.

Dear Swami:

I understand from one of those new age tabloids that you have gone and hired yourself a personal trainer. Is this true? And if so, how is working out?

Hy King,
Boulder, Colorado

Dear Hy:

God, those tabloid irks me. Just when I learn to dodge the paparazzi," one of their female counterparts-"mamarazzi," I think they're called--snaps my photo. And next thing I know, I'm on the front page of the Natural Inquirer. So, the answer is yes. I have hired a personal trainer. And it's working out okay. After just a few weeks, I have mastered "sit" and "roll over." But I just can't get the hang of "beg."

Dear Swami:

I have long been a believer in Astromusicology as a way of explaining bizarre and unusual behavior. Well, I've been behaving a little strangely lately. Whenever I think of Bill Clinton vs. Phil Gramn, or Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole, or Bill Clinton vs.--perish the thought--Pat Buchanan as our only choices in this year's presidential election, I break into uncontrollable sobbing. Since I am a political reporter, this is extremely embarrassing. Can you help me? I was born Oct 31, 1966. By the way, I have just heard a very disturbing rumor that you have actually been hired to help Pat Buchanan with his campaign. Say it ain't so, swami!

Jess Kent-Hackett,
Arlington, Virginia

Dear Jess:

It ain't so swami! There. Doesn't the press ever get anything right? The truth is, I only was asked to help design a slogan for the Buchanan campaign. After great contemplation, I sent them one that I thought really nailed it: "America Can't Stand Pat." I haven't heard from them yet. Although many Americans share your sadness and frustration, your crying affliction is primarily Astromuscicological--you were born under the song title, 96 Tears.

© 1998 Steve Bhaerman. All rights reserved. For a free catalog of swami's books and tapes and tour schedule write Lite Headed Productions, PO Box 110, Burnet, TX 78611, or call 1-800-SWAMI-BE. Also listen to the swami on the radio. Called Keeping the 70s Alive, consult your local 70s or golden oldies station for time.